Love Is

About a week ago Jeff was having a night. I've learned that he doesn't always want to talk about things right away. We had gotten into bed, he was finishing a text to someone and I was laying there waiting for him to finish. He was so upset and I wanted to help him feel better about the situation.

He finished his text message, set his phone down and rolled over. My arms automatically opened to him as he laid his head down on my chest and his arm across my stomach. It was the most tender moment of my life. To be able to know that my husband didn't need words to help him feel better but to have my arms and body automatically know what he needed.

He relaxed in my embrace while I gently massaged the nape of his neck. After minutes of silence he looked up, kissed me and gave me a slight squeeze to resemeble a hug. We said prayers and fell asleep.

Love is being there for he other person and trying your best to anticipate what they need best in the moment. Love this time was letting a hug be the healer instead of words.

Love is what we have surrounding the two of us.

nervous breakdown

i feel the past year and a half has been nothing but running. running from one thing to the next, to doing homework here and there so i can accomplish all that is expected of me. summer is usually considered a "break" from such a lifestyle. but then jeff and i decided to get married and that continued the running.

as many of you know (and are experiencing) it is that time in the semester -- finals. they really shouldn't call it "finals week" it should be more like "finals 3 weeks" instead. it's more suitable, don't you think? well, i have been working on my term paper for my health care accounting class. (if any of you are from arkansas then you might now all about my subject: Sparks Health System). basically we have to dissect their financial reports, figure ratios and explain them. it's a very long process and very stressful plus tedious.

thursday night i couldn't handle it anymore. when i started thinking too much about it i would start to breathe really deep and it could not be controlled. i had never experienced it before but it was happening -- a nervous breakdown. the past few weeks things stopped with the heavy breathing. thursday i exploded. deep breathing, tears, then gasping for air. the works. it was awful. i have never in my 22 years of existence experience such feeling before. and i hope it is a long time before i experience that again (or never would be great).

the poor hubby was so worried for me. bless him. he just held me close and rubbed my back and told me to let it all out. he said nice things like, "you're smart," "i have faith in you," and "in less than a week you can really relax." he's a gem to the core.

it is now saturday afternoon. i have been working on this accounting term paper for over 6 hours (with potty and food breaks) and i have made significant headway. i'm proud of myself. i need to keep reminding myself that i am capable of doing this. even if it isn't perfect, even if i mess up, it is my first time and i did my best. i have an A in the class so the pressure from myself is already there, but i am trying and i can do it.

plus when my little hurley puppy is snuggled between my legs, it's like he's saying, "i'm gonna be with you till your done! you go momma!"

and that is just the kind of encouragement i need.

engagements part 2 & my take on being engaged

Growing up I have always heard, "being engaged is hard." I interpreted that as it was being hard not to be intimate, sleep together, be very passionate, etc. We met with a leader in my church, my bishop, and he gave us some advice. The first piece of advice he told us was not to question what we had already felt (referring to the feelings we had when we know we were going to be ok if we chose to marry each other).

If I am being completely honest being engaged is hard. And not for the reasons I once thought. I have been told "once you make the decision to get married, do it quickly." I always referred back to getting married quick so that you weren't tempted to break te law of chastity. I mean, wasn't that what people meant when they said, "being engaged was hard"?? But that wasn't it at all, at least not for me. 

Yes we are very attracted to each other and were tempted, but that didn't make being engaged hard. Satan made it hard. He got in my head, he would prompt thoughts and I allowed myself to pay attention to them at times and it got me scared. Scared to tears. Thoughts that I would be incompetent as a wife, that I wasn't good enough for Jeff, that I wasn't ready, that I am giving up too soon on dating, etc. Yes, these kind of horrible thoughts. People would ask, "how is being engaged?!" and I would force myself to convincingly say, "it is going well! stressful at times...but good!" When in the back of my mind I really wanted to say, "it sucks! okay! it just sucks!" I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was nuts because I had only heard people talk about how "fun being engaged" was and how they "loved it so." Until one day, a lady in my mom's home ward was completely honest with me. She had asked how being engaged was, I had told her my automated response and she told me, "Oh I'm glad you like it because I hated it."

Hallelujah! Someone was real with me. Someone was honest. From then on I didn't think I was crazy or incapable of being engaged or married. I realized that my experience of being engaged was different than others'. 

I am glad that I am passed the engaged stage and fully immersed in the married stage. I love being married. It hasn't been as much of an adjustment as I thought it was going to be. But that is a story for another post. As for the rest of this one, enjoy part 2 of engagement photo's and I will share part 3 soon. So stick around!

oh hiiii....

yes i am still alive.

is the semester over yet?
do i have my degree yet?

no.

BUT by tomorrow i can officially say school will be over "next month"
i can also say, "hellooooo turkey day!"
and, "christmas! you are almost here!"

PLUS,

i mapped out my last 2 semesters of my bachelor degree!
i'm feeling great about it!
the whole "internship" thing is making me nervous though...

have you done one?
what degree were you getting when you were working on your internship?
were you as nervous about it as i am... :/

Walking the walk

Over the past few weeks I have mentioned "simplifying" my lifestyle, and have felt the need to do so very heavily. I found an awesome website that talks a lot about getting rid of clutter, cleaning, simplifying, etc.

The past two weeks I have really noticed how hard I have been on myself and how i have allowed Satan to influence my thoughts. Thoughts of being a horrible homemaker, a less than adequate wife, and downright failure. I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional. It felt like I was crying all the time.

I was talking with a mentor of mine and he was telling me how unimportant it is to worry about some things. One day I'm going to have kids and before I know it they will be all grown up; and if I focus on the things that don't matter (like making sure everything is in order) I am going to miss those opportunities. He definitely said it a lot more eloquently than that, but it got me thinking. I realized that I am not an incompetent wife or homemaker; I am a full time student, part time worker, and a new wife that is trying to adjust to a new lifestyle and juggle new demands in my life. How on earth could I let the adversary influence such negative thoughts about myself.

Over the past 2 weeks I have made it a goal to take care of 1moving box a day. Just 1. If I don't have time to get to that one box on a particular day, it. is. OK. It will get done. But it is not pertinent that it be done now. That is what I have come to realize. There are far more important things that need to be done now than dealing with a moving box in a room we barely use. It is, however, important to focus on school, spend time with my husband in between other obligations, and touch base with my loved ones.

In this post it talks about making priority lists each day. In the past 2 weeks, this has been an incredible tool in helping me keep my stress level manageable. I can't wait to continue implementing these tips into our life.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I am going to go snuggle my husband.

5 minutes

Isn't it amazing how different five minutes can feel depending on the situation you are in? Five minutes can feel like an eternity when you are waiting for a class to end, are closing at work, or are just that close to home but you have to go to the bathroom rrrrreally bad. And then there are times when five minutes goes by and you think, "wait! i need more time!" Such as when you are watching your favorite TV show & need to run to an appointment, or you are running late to meet someone, or in my case the other morning when you want more time to sleep and five minutes really turns into 25 minutes but only felt like 2 minutes!

I was talking today with one of my mentors telling him how I wish I wasn't in school so I could be a better wife and make our house more "homey" with all these projects I am listing in my head. He just said, "Andrea, you need to simplify. Don't let those lists & projects get in the way of life. Make a small list of things that need to get done, and when you have extra time, those other things can get done. Before you know it you will have kids and they will be all grown up. Don't stress about those things. They aren't important." 

And guess what? Just a month ago I accepted a personal challenge to "Simplify." He is right. It would do me good to apply just 5 minutes a day on certain projects to put one more moving box away, or spend 5 minutes de-junking my closet, etc.I am finding more and more that I tend to get bogged down with things becaues "I don't have enough time" to get them done. Every day, I have 5 minutes that I can do those simple things such as putting one more box of things away. I'm too hard on myself about not getting things done and it is taking a toll on my emotional health.

late one night

Source: heyheyhannahalexandra.tumblr.com via 'Monica on Pinterest

it was a late night last week, and jeff and i were snuggling in bed. we had just said our evening prayers and i had asked if it would be ok if he took my turn and said them. he didn't understand but said he would.

he prayed for me.

i was trying so hard to hold back the tears. why? because nothing... no thing, was the matter. but when he asked the Lord to bless me and calm my heart, i couldn't help but let some tears come.

we said amen.
there was a long silence.

he held me close, rubbed my arm slowly and very gently said, "want to talk about it?"

i cried even harder.

right then and right there, i could feel jeff's love for me even more.

i don't know why i was so emotional that night. i felt, however, that this experience was a good foreshadow for when jeff and i hit rocky waters in the future. i could truly feel that jeff would hold me while i cried, that he would pray on my behalf and for my whole being to be comforted, and just listen while i spill what is on my mind.

i love that man; my husband, my best friend, and my protector.

an unofficial "challenge"

Over the past 1-2 years it seems that life has progressively gotten more full of busy. On more than one occasion I have had friends say, "well when can we get together... can I get penciled into your schedule sometime?"

When I first moved to my college town, I was busy making new friends, being the activities director, school, and learning how to live on my own. I didn't think I could get busier, and then institute taught me that I definitely could. Granted, the past year has been full with my new role at the institute and I couldn't help but be busy with 7 a.m. meetings 3 times a week, committee meetings, activities, full time school, part time work, dating, family, life in general. It seems like "busy" has not slowed since summer 2010. As soon as spring semester was wrapping up, we got engaged, and have been planning a wedding and a big family reunion ever since.

(Wow... even seeing how many times I have typed "busy" is making me tired...)

This summer has been full of everything wedding, and other peoples weddings & get togethers. There was one Sunday about 3 weeks ago where Jeff and I did absolutely nothing but watch the Olympics and sleep. It was absolutely grand. It was the perfect day just to spend the whole day together in comfies and relaxing.

When people have asked "how are wedding plans coming?" I have said, "they are plugging right along and keep us going." Which... obviously is code for "keeping us busy." The women laugh and say, "Oh... that doesn't stop here. You will always be busy now."

Well... I don't want to "always be busy." I want to enjoy those times visiting with my soon-to-be husband, pick back up  hobbies that I have shoved in the closet, incorporate "Andrea" time into my daily routine. I don't know what it is like to not be busy, that when it does happen... I don't know what to do with myself.

I read this post  today and it got me thinking of how I really want to accept this unofficial challenge of making life less busy. I do think this is going to be a challenge because along with trying to simplify life I am trying to figure out how to be a wife, and how to be married. But I do know that one way for me to simplify life and be less busy, feel less busy. De-clutter. I am a visual person, and if things are not put in their proper place I get anxious & it visually makes me feel like I have so much more to do.

Operation "Simplify" -- Mission #1

(which I have chosen to accept)

De-clutter.

weekend

i swear that i never thought, after last year, that i could get any busier.
and i definitely am busier than ever.

this weekend was crazy and emotional. i was really hurt by the actions of a family member, and it has gotten to the point where i am just done. just finished with all of everything that encompasses this toxic relationship. i couldn't hold it in anymore and i just broke down.

this was the start of spiraling emotions.

the next day was sunday, fathers day. it was my first day in my temple preparation class at church.
i felt like i was a little irreverant when asked what i was most looking forward to going through the temple. well... to be honest i don't know. because i don't know what goes on in that part of the temple. so do you want to know what my answer was? "i'm really looking forward to wearing garments." which sparked a little side conversation with my teacher about how doing baptisms is great, but the whole "getting wet" thing... isn't our favorite part of the temple process. i explained that i am just excited to go in and be able to participate in the ordinances of the temple because they are the best kept secret on earth and i'm excited to be able to know what they are now.

and then everyone else gave spiritual and heartfelt response.

*face palm #1*

throughout the course of the discussion, our teacher asks us, "how does it feel to be sitting next to the person that you are going to be with for eternity? because some of us in here don't know what that is like." the responses were very good, and very tender. i expressed how much i loved jeff and that we are such best friends and we work really well together. i know that when the time comes to create worlds together that it will be a great experience and that i know that he is going to be a great father to my kids. and that i am grateful my (our) kids aren't going to have to grow up in the same environment i did.

and then the tears flowed, my nose started running and my voice got all high pitched and awkward...

*face palm #2*

later in the day we were working in the yard before heading to jeff's dad's for our fathers day bbq. the pruning sheers i was using got jammed together & we couldn't pull them apart. so i went inside and worked on dishes in the kitchen & cleaned in there while jeff worked outside. after jeff was finished we sprayed for bugs and found a ton of flies in our basement. we would deal with them later. then we were trying to fill a hole in the wall and i was trying to be all independent and fix it before jeff got inside. but i could get the caulking gun thing to work.

so to recap: i broke the pruners, i couldn't figure out the caulking gun, i was hungry, hott, and he was leaving me the next day.

i put my "i'm not on the verge of another emotional break down" face back on and we went to the bbq. where hurley got poop on dad, then puked on the ottoman during the NBA game. minutes later we realized i typed in wrong information about jeffs car which made price higher than it should be for trying to sell it. and i felt. so.bad.

then to top it all off, he was going to be leaving for a week. not just a week without him with me, but a week with zero communication. no cell service. no internet. no nothin. i was really sad. and normally it wouldn't have been a big deal, but just remember the first 2 face palms in the story. i was already in an emotionally fragile state.

we return to the house that night so jeff can start packing for his trip. i am in the middle of finishing a text and he is workin on his laptop for a minute. music starts playing and he gently pulls me in close and starts dancing with me. i start crying.

*face palm #3*

these face palms aren't necessarily bad... in these instances it was more of an embarassing feeling that i just wanted to hide my face for a few minutes. and then kick myself because i couldn't control any of it!

i am really really really grateful for jeff and for his ability to comfort me, allow me to feel important, and for his love. it was so sweet and kind that he pulled me into a dance late sunday night. he is an absolute sweetheart and i am so blessed that he picked me to marry. i know that i am fortunate.

i'm ready to bring on more "face palm's" and i'm ready to conquer them with all him.

that moment when...

... your alarm goes off & you hit snooze a couple times...
but you accidently turn off your alarm...
only to realize (40 minutes later) you need to be finishing getting ready to leave for work....
but you really only have 15 minutes to do what you would do in 45.

i look super hott today friends.
super super hott.

thank goodness for a 3-day weekend.

"dear stress, let's break up."

Source: thesthetic.tumblr.com via Tara on Pinterest

i saw this on pinterest today and it feels so right in my life right now.

the past 2 days, i have had multiple people tell me to do this exact thing. my sister told me something today, a quote she heard, and the gist of the quote was talking about how if it's not ok, then it is not the end.

i believe stress can be a good thing -- to a point. i feel like the things i am stressing about are valid in life. i'm very glad i have the character and personality that i do. even though sometimes parts of my personality drive me crazy and i wish i could turn them off like a light switch.... i'm glad i can't because then i wouldn't be true to me.


i know that none of this makes sense, but to me, writing it all out like this makes sense and actually helps me quite a bit.

Mm... let's keep moving forward shall we.

late night walk

Monday was a long, stressful, and awkward.

I clean when I'm stressed and frustrated. It is my outlet.

On my way home, I stopped to get gas... then decided to get my car washed and used the complementary vacuums they have there. It feels so good to drive a clean car. I then came home and did laundry for what seemed like the entire evening.

Jeff came over later that night after he got off work. It's amazing how I can keep everything contained and I feel fine and normal, to when being around Jeff, that security feeling takes over. That feeling of comfort overtakes you, you feel like your walls can come down and your brave face can rest while you release all your worry.

I was very uptight about somethings and I started to get all emotional. We decided to go on a 10 PM walk (since we didn't get our walk in on Sunday). It felt good just to be outside in the fresh warm air and be able to talk, just the two of us.

I love this boy.

I am so glad he is my best friend and someone that will listen to me and hug me when I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm glad that we both have had experiences like this because it brings us closer and allows us to bond a little more.

Eternity with that boy sounds better and better every day.

dear campus library,

we are very grateful for your contribution to finals week.

snickers, whoppers, twix, lays and doritos sure help with a week of cramming.

we appreciate you.

love,

andrea

finals

holy crap.
Thursday come to me.
I need it to be summer!

midnight

you know it's love when your boyfriend drives you to wendy's at 10 p.m. to buy you dinner you both didn't have,
to then drive to the hospital to study for homework he doesn't need to study for,
to fall asleep on the table while you wait for midnight to roll around,
so you can, with the security of stable internet, register for fall semester.

yep.
true love right there baby.

speaking without words

Source: lorenrosenhal.tumblr.com via Mary Beth on Pinterest

the other night i had a really honest talk with the Lord.
it started out with the, "i'm grateful for this..." and "i thank Thee for that..."
and it wasn't but just a few seconds later that i just started to cry.
i turned my prayer of thoughts into a prayer of feeling in my heart.

i then thought with my heart and my head,
"Father, i hope you can interpret what these sobs are.
because i don't know how to put this into words,
i don't know how to gather the energy to talk about it.
i kinda just need You to understand."

and as i continued to cry,
i truly felt...
...a lot better.
peace.

i know the Lord is incredible.
and "incredible" is just the tip of the ice berg.
He is looking out for me,
and without even saying a word,
He knew what I was saying.

you know how i know that?
because he answered my prayers.

accounting final part 1

Source: google.com.au via Andrea on Pinterest

i am SUPER stoked right now
because....
i just got over 90% on part uno of my accounting final!

all those late nights,
days of socialization foregone,
and stress stress stress are paying off!

studying

Source: diplomaguide.com via Shannon on Pinterest

finals are next week.
i don't think ever... in my entire life... i have studied so hard in 1 semester.

i think i have studied more this semester than my previous 3 years of college together.
hopefully by wednesday i will be dunzo.

cross your fingers for me will ya?

as for now,
on this frost covered friday evening,
i am studying my little brain off.

where i will do it the tomorrow...
and the next day...
and the next day...
and the next day...
and the next day...
....

Forecast

since about the 20th of july, my post have been on auto pilot. I got a whole bunch of posts together, set them to schedule on different days, and I seriously have hardly touched blogger for almost a month.

have you ever had so much to do that you put your pj t-shirt on backwards?

i did.

have you ever laid in bed for over an hour because your mind can't shut off?

i did.

have you ever called your mom needing to vent, be excited, and cry all in the same sentence?

i did.

have you thought that the craziness and chaotic schedule will only continue?

i have.

i know this semester is going to be crazy.

like....crazy might even be an understatement.

i know i am going to want to seal my mouth & eyelids shut.

i know my cheek muscles are going to hurt from smiling.

i know that i am going to spend many weekends helping at activities.

i know my sleep is going to sporadic and short.

i know, without a doubt, that school work and learning will be harder than hard.

it is going to be tough.

and i am going to enjoy every minute.

i prayed for this.

and i am not about to be ungrateful.

i am really grateful that i have created this blog to help document all these experiences.

i am grateful for the knowledge that the Lord is going to be there with me every step of the way.

He will, somehow, help me get all the things that need to be accomplished, accomplished.

i am here to tell you that it will be difficult and stressful,

i've already experienced it.

but with me on His team, I will be strong to do all that is asked of me.

Breakdown

The other night I had one.
I am so overwhelmed with this math class.
Holy smokes -- it's unreal.
I was trying to do some during the day.
Not working out.
So I would get up, walk around, and come back.
Still not helping.
Later, I went to the "Solution Space" to get some help.
Did it help?
Not so much.

I was overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed to the point I was laughing.
Yes, laughing.
Once I got in my car I just started to cry.
I decided to go on a little drive.
I also decided that Arby's curly fries and Mt. Dew sounded good.
(Note to self: Do not be a compulsive eater. Do not. Do not. Do Not.)
However, I had collected myself.

I came home and my roommate Chandra was there.
Then it all came back.
I decided I needed a shower.

Showers are so therapeutic.
Not only do they get me clean,
but I feel refreshed.
I can almost literally feel the worries, stress, whatever, flowing down the drain.
Plus the fact that I am completely alone in my thoughts with no interruptions.
I just stood there and let the water rinse some stress off my body.

I didn't do one stinkin bit of math.
And honestly, I kinda don't really mind.
I have been so overwhelmed and on overload for that class,
I really just needed that "andrea time."
Although I am still worried about my class,
I am not so uptight as I have been for the past little while.

so, if you are feeling stressed,
go take a shower.
it really helps. :)