nervous breakdown

i feel the past year and a half has been nothing but running. running from one thing to the next, to doing homework here and there so i can accomplish all that is expected of me. summer is usually considered a "break" from such a lifestyle. but then jeff and i decided to get married and that continued the running.

as many of you know (and are experiencing) it is that time in the semester -- finals. they really shouldn't call it "finals week" it should be more like "finals 3 weeks" instead. it's more suitable, don't you think? well, i have been working on my term paper for my health care accounting class. (if any of you are from arkansas then you might now all about my subject: Sparks Health System). basically we have to dissect their financial reports, figure ratios and explain them. it's a very long process and very stressful plus tedious.

thursday night i couldn't handle it anymore. when i started thinking too much about it i would start to breathe really deep and it could not be controlled. i had never experienced it before but it was happening -- a nervous breakdown. the past few weeks things stopped with the heavy breathing. thursday i exploded. deep breathing, tears, then gasping for air. the works. it was awful. i have never in my 22 years of existence experience such feeling before. and i hope it is a long time before i experience that again (or never would be great).

the poor hubby was so worried for me. bless him. he just held me close and rubbed my back and told me to let it all out. he said nice things like, "you're smart," "i have faith in you," and "in less than a week you can really relax." he's a gem to the core.

it is now saturday afternoon. i have been working on this accounting term paper for over 6 hours (with potty and food breaks) and i have made significant headway. i'm proud of myself. i need to keep reminding myself that i am capable of doing this. even if it isn't perfect, even if i mess up, it is my first time and i did my best. i have an A in the class so the pressure from myself is already there, but i am trying and i can do it.

plus when my little hurley puppy is snuggled between my legs, it's like he's saying, "i'm gonna be with you till your done! you go momma!"

and that is just the kind of encouragement i need.

speaking without words

Source: lorenrosenhal.tumblr.com via Mary Beth on Pinterest

the other night i had a really honest talk with the Lord.
it started out with the, "i'm grateful for this..." and "i thank Thee for that..."
and it wasn't but just a few seconds later that i just started to cry.
i turned my prayer of thoughts into a prayer of feeling in my heart.

i then thought with my heart and my head,
"Father, i hope you can interpret what these sobs are.
because i don't know how to put this into words,
i don't know how to gather the energy to talk about it.
i kinda just need You to understand."

and as i continued to cry,
i truly felt...
...a lot better.
peace.

i know the Lord is incredible.
and "incredible" is just the tip of the ice berg.
He is looking out for me,
and without even saying a word,
He knew what I was saying.

you know how i know that?
because he answered my prayers.

Forecast

since about the 20th of july, my post have been on auto pilot. I got a whole bunch of posts together, set them to schedule on different days, and I seriously have hardly touched blogger for almost a month.

have you ever had so much to do that you put your pj t-shirt on backwards?

i did.

have you ever laid in bed for over an hour because your mind can't shut off?

i did.

have you ever called your mom needing to vent, be excited, and cry all in the same sentence?

i did.

have you thought that the craziness and chaotic schedule will only continue?

i have.

i know this semester is going to be crazy.

like....crazy might even be an understatement.

i know i am going to want to seal my mouth & eyelids shut.

i know my cheek muscles are going to hurt from smiling.

i know that i am going to spend many weekends helping at activities.

i know my sleep is going to sporadic and short.

i know, without a doubt, that school work and learning will be harder than hard.

it is going to be tough.

and i am going to enjoy every minute.

i prayed for this.

and i am not about to be ungrateful.

i am really grateful that i have created this blog to help document all these experiences.

i am grateful for the knowledge that the Lord is going to be there with me every step of the way.

He will, somehow, help me get all the things that need to be accomplished, accomplished.

i am here to tell you that it will be difficult and stressful,

i've already experienced it.

but with me on His team, I will be strong to do all that is asked of me.

Funeral

I told you a couple weeks ago about my cousin.

We drove up to Montana on Friday to make it to the viewing. In Montana they do viewings...a little different. In Utah, usually there is a viewing the night before the viewing. It is usually about 2 hours and the family is there to greet people and those attending to share condolences. In Montana they have the viewing all day long and the family is not present. The viewing is for those to come, pay respects to the body, and to sit peacefully and mourn.

The next day we had the family prayer/private viewing, funeral, dedication of grave, and the luncheon. It was great to be with family. Unfortunately we all wish it was under better circumstances. 

It was a great funeral service. One of his friends, who is actually a cousin too (Jeanne Stitch), was one of the speakers and I felt like I really got to know Scott through the stories of the two of them. Like racing girls up Moose Trap Loop, or driving to Idaho for a dance and falling asleep on the football practice field, or turning up the heat in the car for naps, etc.

It is always hard to loose a loved one, but the way it brings you closer to other loved ones is a great lesson. 

This is my cousin April. She is two years younger than me and we have grown up together at reunions. I am so sorry about her dad's passing. But she is such a trooper and such a strong girl. Love you Ape.

April, me, Katie, Melody

What pretty detail on the casket huh?

Christy (cousin), Colleen (widow), and mom

Clay and Lindsey.

They just started dating and are so cute together. :)

Colleen is such a trooper. She kept a happy face on most of the time. She was so appreciative of everyone driving so far to come. She is such an amazing woman, and will miss her husband so much.

Michelle, Melody, Colleen, Adam, April.

After the funeral, mom and I stopped at a local shop and bought some huckleberry goodies. :)

Then on our way back through town and on to Missoula we stopped at a Cherry Stand. They were THE best cherries I have ever had! Soooo Good!

I have a testimony that I know families can be together forever. Through the sealing power of a man and a woman, families can lock those bonds for eternity. I know that trials make us strong -- trials allow us to use our character to conquer them. I know that life is full of them, and I (personally) welcome any challenge because I feel myself being pushed and strengthened. I am grateful for my faith, my testimony, knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I am especially grateful for my family. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I AM SO BLESSED! {part 3}

Tuesday, March 29, 2011, I had my meeting. It went GREAT! Actually it went FANTASTIC!!! I was visiting with the stake president, and had a great conversation. He says to me that they would “like me to get more involved in institute” and if I would like to be on the council.

I said “YES!”

THEN he tells me, “we are actually calling you to be one of the VICE PRESIDENTS!”

 

**Cue {another} jaw drop**

 

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I am so excited, and so nervous…but definitely more excited! 

------


(I definitely do not want to forget the details, so this is for my own documentation. The end of this part of my "I AM SO BLESSED" stops here. There something else I have to share, but that will come separate. So feel free to stop here and I will continue with my details.)

Details:

- Before I even knew what was going on, in P.E.C. (a meeting for my church), my bishop made a point to say how much he appreciates my work and all that I do, etc. I thought that was very nice (but he is always that way, so I didn't think too much of it. Little did I know that he already knew what was coming. You see, the Stake President has to get clearance from the bishop to make sure this kind of a calling can be extended to someone. Bishop D. already knew.

-Bro. Barlow, who is the council advisor, was my subsitute the next day after my interview. He asked if he could talk to me after class. He asked if I had any news to tell him -- I smiled and said that I did and told him what my new position was. (Even though he already knew.) As we were discussing what was to happen next, he also told me that when I left the interview with the board, they all looked at each other and it was "unanimous." They all agreed that I was on the council for next year, and when I walked out they said, "Alright! who's next?!"

- When I met the council president (Andrew) later that week, I was also talking with Brother Barlow, and Andrew had said to me that when he saw my paper, he told Bro. Barlow that "I want her. She needs to be on this council." Bro. Barlow said that they as a board had all felt the same way.

-I am so blessed and so humbled. I owe none of this to myself. None of it. I owe all of it to My Father in Heaven, My Savior and brother Jesus Christ, and to my mother. I don't know what it was on my paper that stuck out to Andrew to pick me out of so many kids. I don't know what it was in my interview that impressed the board to have a unanimous decision to choose me. I don't know why I was nominated out of thousands of kids enrolled at Institute. But I do know that The Lord has prepared me to be in this calling, I can see that he has let me struggle and be in that weird funk for a while...because now I am experiencing the blessings, I do know that all the atributes that I have HE has blessed me with to use to help others. I have not done anything but tried to use the qualitities he has given me to become a better person.

I know this year is not going to be easy. I know this year will be difficult in its own way. And I do know that it will be rewarding in its own way as well.
I know that I am going to be stressed, stretched, and humbled. But I also know that I will be rewarded in so many ways, blessed beyond measure, and that it will prepare me for whatever else is ahead for me on this journey through life and back to Him.


I am so grateful for this opportunity. I hope that I can bless people as I have been blessed countless times.
I am anxious and ready to meet so many people that in turn will help change and impact my life.

I love change.

I love trials.

I love growing.

I love becoming a stronger Andrea.

Thanks to the Lord for allowing it.
It would not be possible if it were not for Him.

Definitely Felt Loved

This past weekend was a fun, chaotic, emotionally challenging weekend.

The "fun" and "chaotic" stuff I will get to at another time.

For now, I want to focus on my support group.

Over the weekend my mom came up to go to a bridal shower in a neighboring city of mine. There is something about being with your mom that just...well....they can break down walls and barriers you didn't know were built around you. And they can do it without hardly any effort. Oh those mom's...

Well, mine sure did a good job. I released all kinds of thoughts, emotions, etc. on Saturday. My mom and I talk everyday -- most of the time it is multiple times a day. But it was the fact that she was there with me. Having her arms physically around me. That, I think, is what did me in.

After a quick jaunt to the mall to find a birthday present & then buying some Charolette Russe jewelry for ourselves, she dropped me off at my house. But she didn't just drop me off, she came in to help make my bed, and leave me cute little Valentine's gifts (but I didn't know that part yet.) I dashed over to my friend Cristin's house to help her for a few minutes. I had called my friend Maurie just to talk with her and she said, "Andrea, are you ok? Because you know that if you ever need anything, I am here for you." I said, "I know Maur. That is why I called you." She could sense something was wrong. Heck, she knew months ago when all of this started! Another friend of mine was "teasing" me about another matter in the midst of all this. When I came home, I walked into my room and saw these sweet and simple gifts my sweetheart of a mom left for me. She left me chocolates, hair accessories, and a card. A card that had a gift card in it to one of my most frequented places.

This was my breaking point.

That simple act of kindness from my mom.

Remembering one of my favorite places, going out of her way to make sure that a "starving college student" could still indulge in it....yep, it just got to me.

Tears started to well up in my eyes right as Tara called me. 

I tried to suck it up really hard. 

She thought I was yawning and teased me.

When she realized I was crying, I told her, "I have to go. Talk to you later." In my most awkward I'm trying really hard not to burst in tears right now voice.

But, as soon as I hit "end call" I collapsed to the floor in sobs.

That was it.

I could not hold it any longer.

I prayed to Heavenly Father saying, "I'm sorry. But I have to be selfish right now & just cry. Please just let me cry."

And cry I did.

Curled up, 
on the floor, 
sobbing.

This didn't last but only a couple minutes.

In the mean time, Tara texted me saying that she was worried & hoped everything was ok.

I didn't respond.

What do you say to that? "I'm fine." when clearly you are not..?

Next thing I know, I am pouring myself a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats & I hear my door knock and the doorbell ring. 

Who is it?

Maurie and Tara.

They brought me hot chocolate and came to physically check on me & make sure I was ok. I just wanted to cry all over again. But I didn't. 
I teared up! But didn't cry.

That night a bunch of friends were going over to Tara's to watch movies. I did not go for obvious reasons and stayed home doing homework to help relieve stress. 

Towards the end of the night I received texts from Ty saying he wished I was there, texts from Trent saying that he didn't respond to my earlier texts because he was sure that I was going to be at Tara's and would have much rather told me his story face to face & and was really bummed I didn't come -- and then when told why I wasn't there, asked if there was anything he could do to help me feel more comfortable. Texts from Neil who said that I always am out doing things, "why are you not here?!" then later asking when he could come kidnap me for a driving-jam-session. And, of course, texts from my mom, Tara, and Maurie all saying they love me & hope I am doing ok etc.

I am loved.

The next morning (Sunday) my body was exhausted. Like really, I stayed in bed an extra hour because I could not find the energy to get out of bed and get ready. So I didn't. I stayed in bed another hour. I was getting ready and had texted Scott to ask him if he could go to the 11 AM meeting, he didn't respond. So I went. The counselor in the bishopbric that is over my Activities Committee, he and I are really close. He has really taken me under his wing and I just think the world of him. Anyway, Scott came late to church and after sacrament meeting he came up to me asked how I was, I told him I was really stressed out. He said, "I knew it! Even though you said you were fine, I knew." 
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
He then explained why he didn't text me back and said he was sorry. I told him not to worry, but there was a meeting that night at 6 we needed to go to. He said, "OK, what can I do to help?"

I started to tear up, and again had to suppress the urge to burst out in tears.

I said, in probably the most vulnerable voice, "Come with me so I don't have to do it alone."

He saw my face fill with tears & emotion, immediately pulled me into a hug where I started to let it all come out. However, we were still in the chapel, surrounded by 100+ people, & I was not about to loose control over myself in public. 

Later that day, he sent me a text during Relief Society asking where I parked my car. I told him I parked in the same place I usually do...where we all do. I come out later to find a not under my wiper blades saying, "Andrea, Always know the Lord is aware of you. He loves you and wants the best for you. Even though life gets tough we need to be still & know he is God & he is there for us. I am here for you in anything. Give me a call. -- Scott"

Bless his heart.

Since then, I have received lots of texts and phone calls reminding me that I am loved & not alone.

I read in my scriptures in 3 Nephi 13: In verse 8 it talks about how the Lord knows what we need before we even ask in prayer. Then in the last 4-5 verses it talks about tomorrow taking care of itself.

I love how the Lord blesses you with what revelation you need to receive.

Oh yeah. 
I am really loved.

reminded

image via

over the past few weeks i have been struggling.

not with one particular thing.
you can read more about it here, and especially here.

an accumulation of things.

one monday, i was reading in the Ensign.

i turned to this page and it read:

Questions & Answers


"I often feel overwhelmed because I don't feel I measure up to all that's expected of me in living the gospel. How can I learn to rejoice in the gospel when I feel like I may never be able to become or do all the Lord requires of me?"

here are 3 responses that significantly stuck out to me:

"...Be patient with myself and love what I [am] doing instead of constantly criticizing myself for everything I wasn't doing. Often, we feel like we can't possibly do all that is asked of us, but if we remember that Christ teaches us 'line upon line, precept upon precept,' (2 Nephi 28:30) we can accomplish great things and enjoy ourselves along the way."


"Although most of us understand that we do not need to become perfect overnight, we sometimes hear messages about things that are important for us to do and then feel like we have to do them all at once. I've often felt reassurance that this isn't what the Lord wants. Although all of these things might be significant at some time in our lives, there will always be particular things that are the most essential for us to do now...pray daily to find out from the Lord what He would have us do that day. he promised that such a prayer would always be answered. 
I have found His promise to be true. If I make an effort to prayerfully consider my responsibilities, my priorities, and the time I have available on a given day, it soon becomes clear to me what the Lord would have me do. I have found He never asks more of me than I can manage. 
Letting the Lord help me determine what is most important each day gives me confidence in my decisions and assurance that He is pleased with me."


"...God sent us down here to learn His ways and to walk in His path. At times we may hesitate and fear, but our Heavenly Father and our Savior will always encourage us and help us because They know we can succeed. When we stumble or fall down, They do not berate us or scold us or give up on us. They continue to stretch out Their arms and beckon us to 'come.' they know we can succeed, and They do not love us less because of our stumbling.
Keeping in mind the image of our Heavenly Father with outstretched arms, as mortal parents do to their learning child, can help us through our trials. Accepting His encouragement and love can give us the faith we need to strive to do better"

i know that the Lord prompts us to do things, see things, read things that benefit us and help us through trials.

i know i was prompted to open to this page and read these words.

to give me comfort.

i am finding strength in them.

i love tender mercies. 

andrea

image via

i am blessed with good health.

i don't need medication to keep sane.

i get stressed, but it doesn't consume my life.

i can function being single.

i am optimistic and try to radiate happiness.

i am smart, but no genius.

i am athletic, but am no athlete.

i am spiritual and feel it affect my overall health.

my hair does what i want it to.

my skin, although imperfect, can mask it's imperfections with its freckles.

i really enjoy being me.

enclosed

the metaphoric hallway in which i stand is becoming increasingly longer and the darkness is thickening.

i can see the Lord making my first few months here "bliss" so I would fall in love with life again, feel alive again; so that when i would fall in these "slumps" or "funks" I wouldn't give up and go home. (so to speak.)

the newness has worn off. this is now "life" my "every day routine." i don't decessarily feel the closeness with people as I once did. a lot of factors play into this: new semester, still new ward, winter, my own personal funk, etc.

it is hard though. i want to shake it off. but i know i have to endure it because it will get better soon. i will appreciate what is to become because i have endured this awkwardness.

i have learned that for myself, if i try too hard to relieve myself too fast, i get frustrated and failure to do so. it's like the Devil's Snare on Harry Potter. i can just hear Hermione: "you have to relax. if you don't, it'll only kill you faster!" the moreyou wiggle, the more it will increase its grip on you. if you stop wiggling, ride it out, you will be released and relieved from its grasp.

i have to simply "ride it out."

since i have moved here, i have developed this new motto:

"go with the flow."

easier said than done, but i find it works well in my life.

now where is my floatie...






image via

sometimes

i am really exhausted.

when i find that my life's path has led me to this "funk" as a i like to call it, since there is not one particular thing wrong...i can't really "fix" anything. all i can really do is keep a smile on my face and keep, head held high, and keep one foot moving in front of the other.

i am trying to study my scriptures more earnestly. in fact, on tuesday night, i studied my scriptures for 2 hours. making my own outline and cross referencing things, etc. it felt really good to be able to dig deep in the scriptures and find my own applications. because let's me tell you a secret of mine...the scriptures intimidate me. sometimes it takes me forever to find the correct book and i am afraid of reading the words incorrect because they spoke so differently. and...i probably don't know my scripture stories as well as i should.

and this is something that i definitely want to work on knowing more.

school always exhausts  me. as mentioned in my last post, i have spent some quality time with economics this weekend. having a psychology exam earlier this week, economics exam, biology quiz and exam, and for my health professions class i have to do community service. we talked about the other week about how we use the 168 hours of our weeks. Um...everyone's was pretty filled up. And we have to do outside the classroom community service on top of everything else. whew! it's just a lot & im worried because right now, the place that i have started this process isn't really cooperative.

so what have i decided?

that i am spreading myself too thin.

what have i done to remedy it?

given up some personal things.

elder bednar came to give a fireside at the WSU institute a few months ago. he talked about how there is no such thing as balance in life. life consists of spinning plates and you have to just make sure that you give enough attention to each plate to make sure it keeps spinning. that is really helped me the past few weeks. knowing that i just have to keep the plates spinning. knowing that i just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. knowing that because i am doing all that i can right now to lead a productive life, the Lord is blessing me in ways i probably can't even realize right now. i am trying to do all that is asked of me. i am following the council of obtaining a degree, i have a job to help get me through school & pay for the necessities of life, i am a regular attendee of my church, along with that, i fulfill my calling as best as i can (sometimes i feel super scatter-brained about it. but i am putting forth effort).

the Lord knows i am giving it my all. i am not wasting my days. i am not being idle. i am being productive, and trying to maintain constant personal growth.

since when did life get so weird, complicated, and hard? 

this is the end for today.

just had to spill it out somewhere.

Epiphany

I am not quite sure how this post is going to play out...
So you and I are going to see what happens together.


2 years ago, someone very important to me passed away. I huge part of me grew from that experience. My strength, my character, my perception on life, ME in general grew. I want to share something with you that I wrote at midnight a couple nights ago on my iPod. (Let's be real. I was too tired to find paper and pen, to sit up, and turn on the light. The iPod didn't need any of that.) Here is part of my ever growing testimony:

"2 years ago someone very dear to me was killed in a car accident 6 weeks prior to entering the MTC. I have always been one to keep in touch with people and call or text people once in a while, and the one time I didn't pay attention to those promptings and my thought being, "I'll do it tomorrow...in a couple days...this weekend." Well...tomorrow became an eternal one. One I will never get the chance to come back and tell this person that I loved them. That I missed and still miss them. After attending the funeral I made a promise that I would never ignore one of those promptings again because I would never know if I would get a chance to tell them I was at least THINKING about them. And I never wanted to live with such regret again. 

A couple days ago I had this friend in my mind. One night, probably around midnight I think it was, I just decided I was going to shoot her a text and say hey and I was thinking about her. This particular friend was going through a marital trial and things had taken a turn for the worse. The night I had texted her, unbeknownst to me, was a night that she had reached the lowest low so far. She said that she wished I could understand how much something so simple could have meant to her. 

It solidified again something I learned two years ago. We don't know why people cross our minds. We don't know if they're going through a trial or if it will make their day. But it can't hurt right? 

I have a testimony of listening to those promptings. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Or what it won't. Don't brush them away from your mind. Act on them. 

I hope you all know if I send you a text or call you -- it is sincere. 

I mean what I say. I have a strong testimony or obeying promptings. And a great testimony and respect for Heavenly Father's time table.  

 In the name or Jesus Christ Amen."

That last part I would like you to pay particular attention to: "...a great testimony and respect for Heavenly Father's time table." 

I cannot express adequately enough how bittersweet that is. It took over 2 years for me to feel whole again from Keltson, it took over 2 years for me to finally be happy, over 2 years for me to finally feel like I had moved on. I relied heavily on the Lord during this trial. I knew this experience was shaping me for what He wanted me to become. In His time, I would heal. But I had to have patience with His plan and abide by His time.

Now, this brings me to my next thought. "Moving on." Since Keltson's death, I have "moved on" so to speak. I have been on several dates with different boys, I have lived my life, and enjoyed what I have been doing. It is not to say that I didn't break down and cry every so often or worry still about him knowing how I felt about him over that time, because I did. Oh boy... I did... It was difficult for me to not think, "Heavenly Father, can't you please relieve this of me? Have I not suffered enough? Can't my heart move on and not break anymore? Can I not be happy again? What lesson are you trying to teach me? I feel like I have learned too much from this already. I want to be fully happy again! I don't want to hurt anymore. What am I to do?"

When Keltson and I decided to break things off so he could focus fully on his mission, I was depressed. It was hard not to think about him, want to talk to him, see him, etc. Because why? There was still a possibility for an "us" in the end. Well...at that time anyway. I never received my closure. We broke things off against both of our wishes.

When he passed away, I had to "move on." There was no possibility for a future with him. I could not dwell on the "what if's." 

I had to force myself to move past his death, 

so I could move on with my life. 

His death gave me that closure our breakup never did.

Which brings me to this: within the past 24 hours, my testimony has grown because of this 

"Epiphany." 

I. have. closure. 

A couple of my friends are currently struggling with closure from past relationships. And I can honestly tell you this day, I am not struggling with an attachment to Keltson. 2 years ago, I would not have been able to say that. I would have been hurt by such a remark and thought someone was insensitive if they would have said that in 2 years I would be happy with life, not constantly thinking about him, only thinking about how strong I have become because of this experience, that this experience would constantly show me things about myself, it will still teach me, it will always allow me to sympathize with and help others.  Heck, one year ago I wouldn't have been able to tell you any of this!

And look. :)

Here I am telling you these things.

I have a gigantic testimony about promptings, Heavenly Father's love for me, His faith in me to endure trials to make me stronger and help others, and...to sympathize with people who are struggling with the heartbreak that they are still trying to sort out.  

You may be wondering, "Alright Andrea...how did this get all brought up? What prompted this?" 
And that is something maybe down the road will change, and I will be comfortable sharing.



But it doesn't matter right? 
What matters is that I recognize these things. 
I can take this experience and turn it into something positive and strengthening. 
Because that is what life is all about.
Getting your heart broken and your knees scraped.
Becoming stronger and growing to become the best you.

And I am doing just that. :)

2 Years

I have learned a lot from this event.

It has been,

and will be...

life changing.

What have I learned?

- to always tell people I love them.

-to live with no regrets.

-which leads me to stepping outside my comfort zone and being an active participant in life.

This is something I can tell you over and over again,

but it will not have the same affect on you,

unless you have experienced it first hand.

It is not something I would wish happen to anyone.

It hurts (in more ways than one) to loose someone you love.

However,

the lessons you learn from loosing that beloved person,

are indeed,

life changing.

My outlook on life will never be the same. :)

Two years ago I would not have been able to say this,

but I am grateful for this experience,

this trial.

It has helped mold me into the "Andrea" I am today.

I still miss you Keltson.

I do know you are where you are supposed to be.

As am I. :)

1 Year

Tears.

Screams.

Shock.

Aching.

Disorientation.

Pain.

Disbelief.

I cannot believe it has been a full year since Keltson's unexpected passing - the most shocking point in my life by far. It still, a year later, doesn't seem real. It is surprising that thinking it has been one year - an anniversary - since Keltson returned to our heavenly home in a sense really solidifies the whole experience. And to be honest...that thought nauseates me even more. It is almost like his life and death are now merely just numbers. He will always be 19, that number will not progress; however, this "number one" of his passing, becomes two, and two becomes three, etc.

I have kept thinking that, "Maybe I am over this. Maybe I have finally conquered it." But it's not true. Will those questions ever come true? Do we ever truly overcome loosing someone close to us, someone that touched our lives so much? Most likely not. We just change and adapt. We never forget them, things about them may slip away yes, but we will always carry with us the lessons we learned from them and a some of the feelings we had for them, always. I have accepted that with Keltson. Or at least I would like to think so. I have come a long way this past year since this tragedy. My love for Keltson has definitely changed, it has shifted to a new light.

I still keep in very good touch with his family. Before I had always thought of them as "Keltson's family." Over the past year it has slowly come to the point of thinking instead of, "How is Keltson's family doing today?" to, "How are the Blackburn's doing today?" I talked with them today just to let them know I was thinking about them and love them. It is always so pleasant to hear Kassidy and Kara and their new and exciting things going on in their lives. I know their mom and dad both try very hard to be happy and upbeat for them, but most days it is just so difficult. They are such tremendous strengths for each other. They wouldn't say so, Amara (mom) says that sometimes they are just "living" just "being." But from the outside looking in, they are such a strong family. I surely do love them.

Keltson, you are still missed. You are still a thought and a reflection that occurs daily. Things, places, songs, peoples' mannerism's all trigger rememberances of you. We all know...I know, you are doing tremendous work for the Lord on the other side. Every once in a while we feel you looking down on us, checking in. :) What a wonderful, comforting feeling that is. Sometimes I, personally, feel guilty for adjusting and trying to "move forward" -- but I think about how upset you would get at me or anyone for putting our lives on hold especially since you have moved on. I try to make myself think about how happy you are to see us and how our lives are progressing. Which, in turn, pushes me to strive and live a better and more full life. As you did.

I miss you old friend, and still cannot wait for our heavenly reunion.

God's Speed Elder Blackburn.

I still love you...

Thank you

The past few weeks have been some of tremendous ups and downs. It is amazing how when you are in trouble, people seem to come out of the woodwork to show you they care about you.

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My heart goes out to each of you who have helped me throughout probably the hardest time in my life. Thank you to those who dropped everything to come to my home when I was in need, for the continuous calls and texts, thank you for letting me talk about things, happy and sad, thank you for taking time out of your day, and time off work to come to the viewing and funeral. You still have no idea how much that meant to me. Thank you for my unexpected pack of visitors, you really helped get my mind off things. I want to say thank you to my ward sisters for their continued love and concern. I truly have some of the best friends in the universe. I am afraid to list names in case I forget someone. But you all know who you are.

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I also want to tell you, I really am ok. My heart doesn't quite know what to do with itself at this point, but ya know...that is ok. I don't expect it to for a little while. I know that things will be alright in their due time. To be honest. I have never been so close to the spirit for so long before. When you are at EFY, you are constantly close to the spirit, but this was different. I haven't listened to the radio for 2 weeks -- I have only listened to EFY cd's and LDS artist cd's. I have never prayed to my Heavenly Father more. I have a testimony that He does hear us and comfort us. It is amazing how turning to the Lord can really lift your burdens. "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." John 14:18.

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In all honesty, I still miss Keltson. That I don't think will ever change. But I have the comfort of the gospel and the knowledge that I know exactly what he is doing! He is helping people, like he always has! I wish you all could have seen his funeral and viewing!! 2 hours in a line at the viewing, and the funeral looked like stake conference! That is a lot of people one man can touch and influence in just 19 years Don't you think?? And if you think about it in this light, it is only....assuming we pass on in our mid to upper 80's....it is only 6 decades before we see those who have passed on before us. What a comfort this thought has been to me the past couple weeks.

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Again, thank you for your continued love and support through all of this. Heavenly Father truly has blessed me with tremendous people.

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This is something I just started writting in my philosophy class yesterday. I wasn't even really thinking of anything, but somhow this got on paper.

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His mercy immeasurable,

The day coming where I will kneel at His feet.

Comfort and security to feel as I embrace His hug.

How I long for that day,

When all this destruction can be put aside.

When the gates of heaven open

and the throng of smiling faces beam

with excitement and love.

Those faces from so long ago,

now become familiar,

as if my time on earth was only the turn of the head.

Who cares at this point.

I am back in the presence of those I love.

Returned to my Father

with now only minor dents and scratches.

Finally........

home.