nervous breakdown

i feel the past year and a half has been nothing but running. running from one thing to the next, to doing homework here and there so i can accomplish all that is expected of me. summer is usually considered a "break" from such a lifestyle. but then jeff and i decided to get married and that continued the running.

as many of you know (and are experiencing) it is that time in the semester -- finals. they really shouldn't call it "finals week" it should be more like "finals 3 weeks" instead. it's more suitable, don't you think? well, i have been working on my term paper for my health care accounting class. (if any of you are from arkansas then you might now all about my subject: Sparks Health System). basically we have to dissect their financial reports, figure ratios and explain them. it's a very long process and very stressful plus tedious.

thursday night i couldn't handle it anymore. when i started thinking too much about it i would start to breathe really deep and it could not be controlled. i had never experienced it before but it was happening -- a nervous breakdown. the past few weeks things stopped with the heavy breathing. thursday i exploded. deep breathing, tears, then gasping for air. the works. it was awful. i have never in my 22 years of existence experience such feeling before. and i hope it is a long time before i experience that again (or never would be great).

the poor hubby was so worried for me. bless him. he just held me close and rubbed my back and told me to let it all out. he said nice things like, "you're smart," "i have faith in you," and "in less than a week you can really relax." he's a gem to the core.

it is now saturday afternoon. i have been working on this accounting term paper for over 6 hours (with potty and food breaks) and i have made significant headway. i'm proud of myself. i need to keep reminding myself that i am capable of doing this. even if it isn't perfect, even if i mess up, it is my first time and i did my best. i have an A in the class so the pressure from myself is already there, but i am trying and i can do it.

plus when my little hurley puppy is snuggled between my legs, it's like he's saying, "i'm gonna be with you till your done! you go momma!"

and that is just the kind of encouragement i need.