perspective

Source: dearinspirationblog.blogspot.com via Andrea on Pinterest

i feel like this is how i am on my road trip through life.
it is still going.
i have my past behind me.
i have my future lying ahead.
and right now, i am enjoying my present.

i have had many compliments lately about how happy i come across,
that there is a sparkle in my eye,
and that my enthusiasm is contagious.

well good.

i truly am, really happy and content.
not "content" that i am not progressing, but just content with "andrea."
i am finally comfortable in my own skin...literally.
i am enjoying saying hi to random people and relishing in their surprised responses.
i have experienced the value of networking.
i love having so many great mentors.
i love my peers and leaders.

i am learning a lot.
i can fell myself excelling.
i'm being pushed and stretched in many small ways.
i can feel myself becoming stronger.

but right now, i am still just enjoying my present.

Red-head who?

Have you ever experience being ignored?

outcast?

Seen right through?

Backs turned on you?

Ever experience this feeling?

I did. A few weeks ago, and it really hurt.

3 people out of maybe 20 or more said hi to me .

3.

And these are people that I knew.

I finally realized that I didn't need to hang on to the past. I am one that if you become even an acquaintance, I want you to feel like a friend. If you cross my mind, I want you to know, if there is a get together goin on, I want to invite you. I never like to close channels with people. I always want people to remember me as someone who is approachable, kind, and genuine. I want to be able to see people at the store and genuinely say, "Hey ______! How are you {hug} I haven't seen you in so long!" And carry on a conversation at WalMart.

When I was in high school I was in student government. It was expected of us to be kind and befriend everyone. (For me it was really more of an excuse to talk to everyone. What can I say? I love it!) I never deleted people off of my Facebook or Myspace (when Myspace was the "cool" thing) because I never wanted people to think I was snobby, or better than them, or had forgotten about them, etc. So there they stayed. Able to look at pictures, posts of my life whenever they chose.

I have been graduated for 3 years now.

I finally decided that high school is far enough in the past that I don't need to carry that weight of having to be a "friend" because of the position I once occupied.

I finally decided that if I can't even be waved at from across the cluster of people, or when I catch them looking at me and when I turn to look in that direction, they hurry and turn their head like they are oblivious to my existence -- what makes me think they would notice me at a place like WalMart?

Why would I want them to be able to know what is going on in my life?

I finally decided that it is ok to let go of some people that are "friend collectors."

It is about time I did some "house cleaning" and "de-cluttering" in my life.

And I will have you know, I have cleaned up quite a bit. :)

I AM SO BLESSED! {part 3}

Tuesday, March 29, 2011, I had my meeting. It went GREAT! Actually it went FANTASTIC!!! I was visiting with the stake president, and had a great conversation. He says to me that they would “like me to get more involved in institute” and if I would like to be on the council.

I said “YES!”

THEN he tells me, “we are actually calling you to be one of the VICE PRESIDENTS!”

 

**Cue {another} jaw drop**

 

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I am so excited, and so nervous…but definitely more excited! 

------


(I definitely do not want to forget the details, so this is for my own documentation. The end of this part of my "I AM SO BLESSED" stops here. There something else I have to share, but that will come separate. So feel free to stop here and I will continue with my details.)

Details:

- Before I even knew what was going on, in P.E.C. (a meeting for my church), my bishop made a point to say how much he appreciates my work and all that I do, etc. I thought that was very nice (but he is always that way, so I didn't think too much of it. Little did I know that he already knew what was coming. You see, the Stake President has to get clearance from the bishop to make sure this kind of a calling can be extended to someone. Bishop D. already knew.

-Bro. Barlow, who is the council advisor, was my subsitute the next day after my interview. He asked if he could talk to me after class. He asked if I had any news to tell him -- I smiled and said that I did and told him what my new position was. (Even though he already knew.) As we were discussing what was to happen next, he also told me that when I left the interview with the board, they all looked at each other and it was "unanimous." They all agreed that I was on the council for next year, and when I walked out they said, "Alright! who's next?!"

- When I met the council president (Andrew) later that week, I was also talking with Brother Barlow, and Andrew had said to me that when he saw my paper, he told Bro. Barlow that "I want her. She needs to be on this council." Bro. Barlow said that they as a board had all felt the same way.

-I am so blessed and so humbled. I owe none of this to myself. None of it. I owe all of it to My Father in Heaven, My Savior and brother Jesus Christ, and to my mother. I don't know what it was on my paper that stuck out to Andrew to pick me out of so many kids. I don't know what it was in my interview that impressed the board to have a unanimous decision to choose me. I don't know why I was nominated out of thousands of kids enrolled at Institute. But I do know that The Lord has prepared me to be in this calling, I can see that he has let me struggle and be in that weird funk for a while...because now I am experiencing the blessings, I do know that all the atributes that I have HE has blessed me with to use to help others. I have not done anything but tried to use the qualitities he has given me to become a better person.

I know this year is not going to be easy. I know this year will be difficult in its own way. And I do know that it will be rewarding in its own way as well.
I know that I am going to be stressed, stretched, and humbled. But I also know that I will be rewarded in so many ways, blessed beyond measure, and that it will prepare me for whatever else is ahead for me on this journey through life and back to Him.


I am so grateful for this opportunity. I hope that I can bless people as I have been blessed countless times.
I am anxious and ready to meet so many people that in turn will help change and impact my life.

I love change.

I love trials.

I love growing.

I love becoming a stronger Andrea.

Thanks to the Lord for allowing it.
It would not be possible if it were not for Him.

topic of conversation this weekend

image via

After having a long conversation with my dear friend, Amber, this quote is something that I am trying to re-teach myself.

I go in and out of phases where I don't care what others think of me, I am confident, and really embrace me -- all of me. Even the flaws.

But right now, this is not the case. 

In fact, I am kinda the opposite of all stated above.

I have to remind myself not to be the analyzer I am prone to be.

reminded

image via

over the past few weeks i have been struggling.

not with one particular thing.
you can read more about it here, and especially here.

an accumulation of things.

one monday, i was reading in the Ensign.

i turned to this page and it read:

Questions & Answers


"I often feel overwhelmed because I don't feel I measure up to all that's expected of me in living the gospel. How can I learn to rejoice in the gospel when I feel like I may never be able to become or do all the Lord requires of me?"

here are 3 responses that significantly stuck out to me:

"...Be patient with myself and love what I [am] doing instead of constantly criticizing myself for everything I wasn't doing. Often, we feel like we can't possibly do all that is asked of us, but if we remember that Christ teaches us 'line upon line, precept upon precept,' (2 Nephi 28:30) we can accomplish great things and enjoy ourselves along the way."


"Although most of us understand that we do not need to become perfect overnight, we sometimes hear messages about things that are important for us to do and then feel like we have to do them all at once. I've often felt reassurance that this isn't what the Lord wants. Although all of these things might be significant at some time in our lives, there will always be particular things that are the most essential for us to do now...pray daily to find out from the Lord what He would have us do that day. he promised that such a prayer would always be answered. 
I have found His promise to be true. If I make an effort to prayerfully consider my responsibilities, my priorities, and the time I have available on a given day, it soon becomes clear to me what the Lord would have me do. I have found He never asks more of me than I can manage. 
Letting the Lord help me determine what is most important each day gives me confidence in my decisions and assurance that He is pleased with me."


"...God sent us down here to learn His ways and to walk in His path. At times we may hesitate and fear, but our Heavenly Father and our Savior will always encourage us and help us because They know we can succeed. When we stumble or fall down, They do not berate us or scold us or give up on us. They continue to stretch out Their arms and beckon us to 'come.' they know we can succeed, and They do not love us less because of our stumbling.
Keeping in mind the image of our Heavenly Father with outstretched arms, as mortal parents do to their learning child, can help us through our trials. Accepting His encouragement and love can give us the faith we need to strive to do better"

i know that the Lord prompts us to do things, see things, read things that benefit us and help us through trials.

i know i was prompted to open to this page and read these words.

to give me comfort.

i am finding strength in them.

i love tender mercies. 

sometimes

i am really exhausted.

when i find that my life's path has led me to this "funk" as a i like to call it, since there is not one particular thing wrong...i can't really "fix" anything. all i can really do is keep a smile on my face and keep, head held high, and keep one foot moving in front of the other.

i am trying to study my scriptures more earnestly. in fact, on tuesday night, i studied my scriptures for 2 hours. making my own outline and cross referencing things, etc. it felt really good to be able to dig deep in the scriptures and find my own applications. because let's me tell you a secret of mine...the scriptures intimidate me. sometimes it takes me forever to find the correct book and i am afraid of reading the words incorrect because they spoke so differently. and...i probably don't know my scripture stories as well as i should.

and this is something that i definitely want to work on knowing more.

school always exhausts  me. as mentioned in my last post, i have spent some quality time with economics this weekend. having a psychology exam earlier this week, economics exam, biology quiz and exam, and for my health professions class i have to do community service. we talked about the other week about how we use the 168 hours of our weeks. Um...everyone's was pretty filled up. And we have to do outside the classroom community service on top of everything else. whew! it's just a lot & im worried because right now, the place that i have started this process isn't really cooperative.

so what have i decided?

that i am spreading myself too thin.

what have i done to remedy it?

given up some personal things.

elder bednar came to give a fireside at the WSU institute a few months ago. he talked about how there is no such thing as balance in life. life consists of spinning plates and you have to just make sure that you give enough attention to each plate to make sure it keeps spinning. that is really helped me the past few weeks. knowing that i just have to keep the plates spinning. knowing that i just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. knowing that because i am doing all that i can right now to lead a productive life, the Lord is blessing me in ways i probably can't even realize right now. i am trying to do all that is asked of me. i am following the council of obtaining a degree, i have a job to help get me through school & pay for the necessities of life, i am a regular attendee of my church, along with that, i fulfill my calling as best as i can (sometimes i feel super scatter-brained about it. but i am putting forth effort).

the Lord knows i am giving it my all. i am not wasting my days. i am not being idle. i am being productive, and trying to maintain constant personal growth.

since when did life get so weird, complicated, and hard? 

this is the end for today.

just had to spill it out somewhere.

Epiphany

I am not quite sure how this post is going to play out...
So you and I are going to see what happens together.


2 years ago, someone very important to me passed away. I huge part of me grew from that experience. My strength, my character, my perception on life, ME in general grew. I want to share something with you that I wrote at midnight a couple nights ago on my iPod. (Let's be real. I was too tired to find paper and pen, to sit up, and turn on the light. The iPod didn't need any of that.) Here is part of my ever growing testimony:

"2 years ago someone very dear to me was killed in a car accident 6 weeks prior to entering the MTC. I have always been one to keep in touch with people and call or text people once in a while, and the one time I didn't pay attention to those promptings and my thought being, "I'll do it tomorrow...in a couple days...this weekend." Well...tomorrow became an eternal one. One I will never get the chance to come back and tell this person that I loved them. That I missed and still miss them. After attending the funeral I made a promise that I would never ignore one of those promptings again because I would never know if I would get a chance to tell them I was at least THINKING about them. And I never wanted to live with such regret again. 

A couple days ago I had this friend in my mind. One night, probably around midnight I think it was, I just decided I was going to shoot her a text and say hey and I was thinking about her. This particular friend was going through a marital trial and things had taken a turn for the worse. The night I had texted her, unbeknownst to me, was a night that she had reached the lowest low so far. She said that she wished I could understand how much something so simple could have meant to her. 

It solidified again something I learned two years ago. We don't know why people cross our minds. We don't know if they're going through a trial or if it will make their day. But it can't hurt right? 

I have a testimony of listening to those promptings. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Or what it won't. Don't brush them away from your mind. Act on them. 

I hope you all know if I send you a text or call you -- it is sincere. 

I mean what I say. I have a strong testimony or obeying promptings. And a great testimony and respect for Heavenly Father's time table.  

 In the name or Jesus Christ Amen."

That last part I would like you to pay particular attention to: "...a great testimony and respect for Heavenly Father's time table." 

I cannot express adequately enough how bittersweet that is. It took over 2 years for me to feel whole again from Keltson, it took over 2 years for me to finally be happy, over 2 years for me to finally feel like I had moved on. I relied heavily on the Lord during this trial. I knew this experience was shaping me for what He wanted me to become. In His time, I would heal. But I had to have patience with His plan and abide by His time.

Now, this brings me to my next thought. "Moving on." Since Keltson's death, I have "moved on" so to speak. I have been on several dates with different boys, I have lived my life, and enjoyed what I have been doing. It is not to say that I didn't break down and cry every so often or worry still about him knowing how I felt about him over that time, because I did. Oh boy... I did... It was difficult for me to not think, "Heavenly Father, can't you please relieve this of me? Have I not suffered enough? Can't my heart move on and not break anymore? Can I not be happy again? What lesson are you trying to teach me? I feel like I have learned too much from this already. I want to be fully happy again! I don't want to hurt anymore. What am I to do?"

When Keltson and I decided to break things off so he could focus fully on his mission, I was depressed. It was hard not to think about him, want to talk to him, see him, etc. Because why? There was still a possibility for an "us" in the end. Well...at that time anyway. I never received my closure. We broke things off against both of our wishes.

When he passed away, I had to "move on." There was no possibility for a future with him. I could not dwell on the "what if's." 

I had to force myself to move past his death, 

so I could move on with my life. 

His death gave me that closure our breakup never did.

Which brings me to this: within the past 24 hours, my testimony has grown because of this 

"Epiphany." 

I. have. closure. 

A couple of my friends are currently struggling with closure from past relationships. And I can honestly tell you this day, I am not struggling with an attachment to Keltson. 2 years ago, I would not have been able to say that. I would have been hurt by such a remark and thought someone was insensitive if they would have said that in 2 years I would be happy with life, not constantly thinking about him, only thinking about how strong I have become because of this experience, that this experience would constantly show me things about myself, it will still teach me, it will always allow me to sympathize with and help others.  Heck, one year ago I wouldn't have been able to tell you any of this!

And look. :)

Here I am telling you these things.

I have a gigantic testimony about promptings, Heavenly Father's love for me, His faith in me to endure trials to make me stronger and help others, and...to sympathize with people who are struggling with the heartbreak that they are still trying to sort out.  

You may be wondering, "Alright Andrea...how did this get all brought up? What prompted this?" 
And that is something maybe down the road will change, and I will be comfortable sharing.



But it doesn't matter right? 
What matters is that I recognize these things. 
I can take this experience and turn it into something positive and strengthening. 
Because that is what life is all about.
Getting your heart broken and your knees scraped.
Becoming stronger and growing to become the best you.

And I am doing just that. :)