weekend

i swear that i never thought, after last year, that i could get any busier.
and i definitely am busier than ever.

this weekend was crazy and emotional. i was really hurt by the actions of a family member, and it has gotten to the point where i am just done. just finished with all of everything that encompasses this toxic relationship. i couldn't hold it in anymore and i just broke down.

this was the start of spiraling emotions.

the next day was sunday, fathers day. it was my first day in my temple preparation class at church.
i felt like i was a little irreverant when asked what i was most looking forward to going through the temple. well... to be honest i don't know. because i don't know what goes on in that part of the temple. so do you want to know what my answer was? "i'm really looking forward to wearing garments." which sparked a little side conversation with my teacher about how doing baptisms is great, but the whole "getting wet" thing... isn't our favorite part of the temple process. i explained that i am just excited to go in and be able to participate in the ordinances of the temple because they are the best kept secret on earth and i'm excited to be able to know what they are now.

and then everyone else gave spiritual and heartfelt response.

*face palm #1*

throughout the course of the discussion, our teacher asks us, "how does it feel to be sitting next to the person that you are going to be with for eternity? because some of us in here don't know what that is like." the responses were very good, and very tender. i expressed how much i loved jeff and that we are such best friends and we work really well together. i know that when the time comes to create worlds together that it will be a great experience and that i know that he is going to be a great father to my kids. and that i am grateful my (our) kids aren't going to have to grow up in the same environment i did.

and then the tears flowed, my nose started running and my voice got all high pitched and awkward...

*face palm #2*

later in the day we were working in the yard before heading to jeff's dad's for our fathers day bbq. the pruning sheers i was using got jammed together & we couldn't pull them apart. so i went inside and worked on dishes in the kitchen & cleaned in there while jeff worked outside. after jeff was finished we sprayed for bugs and found a ton of flies in our basement. we would deal with them later. then we were trying to fill a hole in the wall and i was trying to be all independent and fix it before jeff got inside. but i could get the caulking gun thing to work.

so to recap: i broke the pruners, i couldn't figure out the caulking gun, i was hungry, hott, and he was leaving me the next day.

i put my "i'm not on the verge of another emotional break down" face back on and we went to the bbq. where hurley got poop on dad, then puked on the ottoman during the NBA game. minutes later we realized i typed in wrong information about jeffs car which made price higher than it should be for trying to sell it. and i felt. so.bad.

then to top it all off, he was going to be leaving for a week. not just a week without him with me, but a week with zero communication. no cell service. no internet. no nothin. i was really sad. and normally it wouldn't have been a big deal, but just remember the first 2 face palms in the story. i was already in an emotionally fragile state.

we return to the house that night so jeff can start packing for his trip. i am in the middle of finishing a text and he is workin on his laptop for a minute. music starts playing and he gently pulls me in close and starts dancing with me. i start crying.

*face palm #3*

these face palms aren't necessarily bad... in these instances it was more of an embarassing feeling that i just wanted to hide my face for a few minutes. and then kick myself because i couldn't control any of it!

i am really really really grateful for jeff and for his ability to comfort me, allow me to feel important, and for his love. it was so sweet and kind that he pulled me into a dance late sunday night. he is an absolute sweetheart and i am so blessed that he picked me to marry. i know that i am fortunate.

i'm ready to bring on more "face palm's" and i'm ready to conquer them with all him.