In my last post, I thought I had put my feelings as close to possible how I felt. My mom and I have had 7 weddings receptions in the past 2 weeks; on our way to one of them in Ogden, we had an in depth conversation. We talked about feelings I had for Keltson, and then what kinds of things we would do for my wedding and reception, then to where we think I'll meet my hubby, etc. (What single girl doesn't think about this stuff, right?!)
This got me thinking....more like...re-evaluating my feelings about Keltson. In my last post I had said, "part of my heart is at the Herriman Cemetery", and "as much as I'd like to be in a relationship, apparently I am not ready." That last sentence has just stuck with me ever since I wrote it. As I was thinking out loud to my mom, I thought more about what my feelings meant. It is not that I am still "in love" with Keltson, because the truth is, I am not, but he was my first love. So...of course a part of me will always love, respect, and care for him. Not only was he a love in my life, he was also a very best friend. That is an attribute about Kelts I really miss. Will always miss.
I was talking with a co worker of mine, I absolutely adore this woman. She is always asking about my "love life" and just laughs at some of my stories sometimes. We talk about the things I look for in a guy and the things she likes about her husband. (Example: I am kinda paranoid about smells, so when a young man wears good cologne, I notice. Also, shoes apparently are something I notice too. These are the superficial things we talked about in our last discussion.) Something she said about me, really hit me and struck a cord in me...I guess you could say. She had said, I just wanted my husband to be perfect. Huh...this got me thinking. Maybe I was one of those shallow, picky girls, I had promised never to be. But then I got to thinking about my conversation with my mom the week before. It is not that I want my future husband to be perfect, I just know there are good smelling, nice shoe wearing (haha), chivalrous, young men out there. I found one once! A part of my heart has been touched in a way that it hasn't felt since I met Keltson.
Not only was he a wonderful boyfriend, but an amazing friend too. What it boils down to is, it is unnatural for someone your age to pass on. It just throws your world out of proportion, and is just simply...unnatural. So yes, Keltson still has a little part of my heart he touched. But my whole heart is not there with him like I previously stated. It just hasn't been touched again like it has been before. And someday....someday it will again. I know there are decent young men out there, and I can be patient and still try and better myself so I can be the best me I can be for when our paths do cross. :)
Bless those of you who have actually listened/read my babble. If you have any thoughts or comments, I would love to hear them. Maybe you have an experience to share? Please feel free to leave your mark. Remember, I encourage you to do so. :)
5 comments:
I love you Andrea!
You are a very, very wise woman. It took me a much longer time to realize what you've written...my whole heart is not there with him like I previously stated. It just hasn't been touched again like it has been before. And someday....someday it will again.
You are amazing and awesome. Love you!
warning...long comment...)
Thanks for a good post :) Your blogging is always so intriguing & I love reading it. I had a boyfriend in High School that was my "first love" as well. I have obviously moved on, so has he...he just got married last summer & we don't really talk anymore or keep in touch besides being "facebook friends." It struck me when I was dating Lorin (years ago...) that he was the first person I had "loved" since Kevin & it was weird. It was awesome, but unfamiliar for me to feel like that for anyone else. At that time, I was in college & still talked to Kevin all the time & it was hard to follow my feelings & tell him that I was engaged, we could still be friends, but I knew marrying Lorin was right without a doubt. Over the years I have looked back on myself, on Kevin, Lorin, etc...and realized that I will always love, respect, feel connected to Kevin. Only, "my Kevin," doesn't exist anymore. He has changed SO MUCH from the person I knew for all those years growing up (we went to school with each other since Kindergarten & dated in High School until I left for Utah State) Not in a bad way, but people change...I did, he did...we all do. Anyway, I know I am a better person for the experiences I have had in life, without them I wouldn't be the same...no matter how hard they were at the time. The memories of how I felt when my relationship with Kevin ended, when I felt jealous of other girls he was dating, or just the loss of having him as a best friend anymore...I got through it all & even though we aren't together anymore & never will be, I was following my path in life & learning things that would help me in the coming chapters. Those weren't wasted years. I learned to love. Kevin didn't "pass on," but the person I knew & loved is gone. We are all so different than we were growing up & part of me wishes that some things could stay the same forever...but I know my life would be different from the way it is now & it isn't part of life for things to stay the same. I have learned to trust in the plan that is out there for me & to follow in faith because I know there are wonderful things to come. I couldn't ask for more in my life right now, & there will only be more blessings (and trials...dangit :) ahead for me & my little family, who I love & couldn't live without. You are wise beyond your years, not many girls are given trials such as yours & look how you have handled it! You never cease to amaze me & I will always love you. I know your heart will be touched again someday & I can't wait to see how happy he makes you :)
Oh Andrea how I love reading your blogs. They always make me think and ponder a little more in my own life. I love you. You are a wonderful woman and very inspiring.
I would jus like to share a lil thought: I remember when I was in YW I would always write down the qualities I wanted in my future husband. When I met Billy he had half of those qualities. But oh I love him to death. We are so compatible and we drive each other nuts. I honestly think we were meant to be together. He makes me so very happy.
You will find that special someone that will touch you in a way that it hasn't been. He will sweep you off your feet and make you the happiest woman on the Earth. I love you and so does your Heavenly Father, trust in Him and all will be fine :D
But alas, sometimes that person just never materializes for reasons that we don't know, and then you have to try to make peace with having your life plan pulled out from under you and figure out how to rebuild from the rubble. Life is crazy and so very unpredictable.
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