Accept, Trust, and Cope

It has been quite a while since I last updated, and it seems like nothing has happened but so much has happened at the same time! But I will talk about everything in due time.

Last weekend I had "one of those nights." For those of you who don't know, I had a best friend and missionary pass away in a car accident almost 8 months ago. Needless to say, the past year of my life has been full of so much joy and so much sadness. I go through my days of seeming to be totally fine with the situation, and other days where it just washes over me and I can't help but break down. I have been counseled to just sway with the waves as they come, to not bottle anything up, and let whatever I am feeling come out naturally. I prefer to unleash those feelings in private for #1 because I feel embarassed, and #2 I don't always know how to react to the outbursts, so...how would anyone else.

Last Friday I was walking out of my office and just started to cry as I head to my car. What triggered the session...I have no idea. It could possibly be that the thoughts of Keltson and the memories seem to be slipping the more I try and hold on to them. It could also be that June is the marriage season, or that it seems every boy I have ever known is leaving on their mission. I am receiving more and more letters, but none from my Elder Keltson Gene Blackburn. Whatever the specific triggers are, they are surely taking effect. My dear best friend, Shari, could sense something was wrong that night. (Those darn "best friend senses.") Bless her heart, she drove with me out to the Herriman Cemetery in the dark of night and walked those grounds trying to find Kelt's grave. How relieving it was to be there at his gravesite, I just sobbed. Shari just held me. She let me cry, talk, stare, cry, laugh, cry, and even left me alone so I could talk to Keltson. That was a special time. It has been so long since I have been with him. I used to tell him everything, and I have really missed not being able to do so.

As much as I want things to be "fixed" and "fine," I know it will all be healed in the Lord's time. Which is probably the hardest thing to handle. The fact that, it is out of my hands and isn't in my control. I can't make it go any faster. I can't make my heart heal just because my brain has accepted this tragic fact, or because my physical body has been accustomed to keep taking one step at a time, or because my spirit knows what is going on on the other side and knows he is doing just fine. Sadly, none of that really helps things move along. At least from how I feel and my own personal experience. It all boils down to our hearts just being too fragile. I was thinking how my heart is just in a stasis, preserved if you will, and for now, it is there at the Herriman Cemetery. And....I am going to have to be alright with that. I really am in no rush to get married, or be in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I would love that, but I also have accepted the fact that I can't quite put myself in that position yet. Thanks to a new dear friend of mine, I know this decision is ok and "acceptable" (if you will) under these circumstances. These feelings, however mixed they are, they are normal. This is all a learning process. Learning how to accept the process of time, learning to really and truly trust my Heavenly Father, and learning to cope with all sorts of feelings, and mixed feelings at that.

We are here to learn and be tested. I am made more and more aware of what some of my lessons are to be learned here in this life.

One, Time.