a weird funk

that is what i have found myself in as of late.

one of my dear friends was texting me one night and casually asked if everything was ok because she was "concerned about me." i don't like when people worry about me -- that is my job! but bless her heart. 

i told her that everything was fine and nothing came to mind of anything being wrong...and asked why she thought that...

maurie: "i don't know. just i know life is never perfect so when people seem happy all the time i worry that some deep inner conflict is going on. i'm probably being paranoid but just hope that you really are doing good and know that if you ever need anything i am here for you."

me: "oh you sweetheart. seriously! thank you. :) nothing really comes to mind right now but i definitely would come to you if something was up. honestly  maurie, you have become one of my best friends. i love you a lot and know i can trust you and you would help me out with anything if i ever need it."

maurie: "good! i can't believe how close we've become in such a short time. i feel like i've known you for years..."

(and then we proceeded to tell each other how much we loved the other, and how much we look up to the other person, etc.)

since this little conversation of ours, i realized that i was...am...in this "weird funk," only i wasn't really looking for it, or admitting it, or whatever you want to call it. 

i am a very optimistic person, and choose to see the glass as half full, and strive to be the best me possible. i want people around me to want to be around me. i don't want people to ever have to see me in a bad mood or see my bad days show through my body language, vocal tones, facial expressions, etc. that is one of the worst feelings: when someone is having a bad day and they take it out on you. honestly, it is uncalled for & not appreciated in my book. 

i save it all for the closed doors. when i can talk to my mom or those i am closest to. 

when everyone else has gone to bed and i can cry without worrying anyone will hear me. because i am a big girl and very independent and the last thing i want is for others to have to worry about me.

that is not to say that i can't reach out for help. that's not to say that i always bottle it up.

because i definitely do not. just ask my mom & jess. 

but i choose when i let my guard down and release those feelings. 

i like being happy -- very much so.

like i have said before, i do recognize when i am in a slump, a "weird funk" so to speak.

right now i am.

nothing is really wrong.

it is just that in time i will crawl out of it.

i just continue to be happy,

pray to Heavenly Father for guidance,

and focus on the most important things: (church & school).